Date Read: 2020-02-09

How Strongly I Recommend it: 10/10

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If you struggle to talk about feelings, this is a must-read. Powerful and short for how we communicate affection or love, after the in-love obsession phase. The way you show affection is how you want to be loved. We might speak different love languages so our acts of love might not fill our partner’s “love tanks”. Identify you love language and the other person’s, then learn and practice how to “speak” that love language. Empty “love tanks” get relationships trouble. It has good stories to teach the languages. 100 pages of the good stuff, then some other ideas and FAQs.

 

My notes:

FAP: exchange the word affection for love if it feels too intense.

People speak different love languages.

Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages—but usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language.

Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English.

We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave.

The “in-love” experience temporarily meets that need, but it is inevitably a quick fix and has a limited and predictable life span.

FAP: is it to make sure we procreate?

After we come down from the high of the “in-love” obsession, the emotional need for love resurfaces.

“What good is the house, the cars, the place at the beach, or any of the rest of it if your wife doesn’t love you?”

“He ignores me all day long and then wants to jump in bed with me. I hate it.” She is not a wife who hates sex; she is a wife desperately pleading for emotional love.

Their stories bear testimony that adults as well as children have “love tanks.”

Could it be that deep inside hurting couples exists an invisible “emotional love tank” with its gauge on empty?

At its peak, the “in-love” experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other.

The late psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov conducted long-range studies on the in-love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years.

If it is a secretive love affair, it may last a little longer.

Eventually, however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. Her endearing “quirks” are now merely annoying. His sharp sense of humor now wounds.

Such obsession gives us the false sense that our egocentric attitudes have been eradicated and we have become sort of a Mother Teresa, willing to give anything for the benefit of our lover.

He wants sex, but she is too tired. He dreams of buying a new car, but she flatly says, “We can’t afford it.” She would like to visit her parents, but he says, “I don’t like spending so much time with your family.”

They fall out of love, and at that point either they withdraw, separate, divorce, and set off in search of a new in-love experience, or they begin the hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of the in-love obsession.

Some couples believe that the end of the “in-love” experience means they have only two options: resign themselves to a life of misery with their spouse; or jump ship and try again.

Our generation has opted for the latter, whereas an earlier generation often chose the former.

The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than the divorce rate of first marriages. The divorce rate in third marriages is higher still. Apparently, the prospect of a happier marriage the second and third time around is not substantial.

We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue “real love” with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional.

Can you pinpoint a time in your marriage when “reality” set in? How did this affect your relationship, for better or worse?

 

 

LOVE LANGUAGE # 1 Words of Affirmation

FAP: this is my #1. One theory is either I didn’t receive it much or I just don’t register when it happens generically (it’s so important that it’s specific and not generic). Recognition of high effort and encouragement. Magnifier: positive words have an incredible impact, but negative ones (nagging, criticism) have massive destructive potential.

One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew Wisdom Literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.”

They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as: “You look sharp in that suit.” “Do you ever look incredible in that dress! Wow!” “I really like how you’re always on time to pick me up at work.” “Thanks for getting the babysitter lined up tonight. I want you to know I don’t take that for granted.” “You can always make me laugh.”

First suggestion, don’t nag.

The second suggestion I have is that the next time your husband does anything good, give him a verbal compliment.

If he takes the garbage out, say, ‘Dan, I want you to know that I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.’ Don’t say, ‘About time you took the garbage out. The flies were going to carry it out for you.’

She had learned that verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words.

I am not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get your spouse to do something you want. The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.

 

ENCOURAGING WORDS

Another dialect is encouraging words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure.

“Just finished reading your article on ‘Making the Most of the Holidays.’ Allison, you’re a really good writer. This stuff ought to be published! You write clearly. Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have great ideas. You have to submit this to some magazines.”

Please note that I am not talking about pressuring your spouse to do something that you want. I am talking about encouraging him to develop an interest that he already has. For example, a wife might pressure her husband to look for a more lucrative job.

The wife thinks she’s encouraging her spouse, but to him it sounds more like condemnation.

Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back is often courage.

 

KIND WORDS

On the other hand, we can share pain, sadness, and even anger in a kind manner, and that will be an expression of love. “I felt disappointed and hurt that you didn’t offer to help me this evening,” said with gentle directness, can be an expression of love.

She is asking for an opportunity to discuss a hurt in order to find healing.

The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will be not an expression of love but an expression of condemnation and judgment.

We have sometimes done and said hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future.

When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I choose justice and seek to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and she the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I choose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.

FAP: It assumes that you addressed or confronted that you’ve been wronged. I tend to avoid arguments, and I create deep resentments that are worse in the long run.

Forgiveness is an expression of love. “I love you. I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience.

 

HUMBLE WORDS

When I demand things from my spouse, I become a parent and she the child.

If, however, we make our needs and desires known in the form of a request, we are giving guidance, not ultimatums.

“Do you think it will be possible for you to clean the gutters this weekend?” is expressing love by making a request.

But the wife who says, “If you don’t get those gutters cleaned out soon, they are going to fall off the house. They already have trees growing out of them!” has ceased to love and has become a domineering spouse.

FAP: Tyrant energy

A request introduces the element of choice. Your mate may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice.

if it is not your primary love language but you think it may be the love language of your spouse, let me suggest that you keep a notebook titled “Words of Affirmation.” When you read an article or book on love, record the words of affirmation you find. When you hear a lecture on love or you overhear a friend saying something positive about another person, write it down. In time, you will collect quite a list of words to use in communicating love to your spouse.

FAP: Good idea. Not only for partner but for friends, kids, work. Can too much praise be counterproductive?

I work my tail off and she doesn’t appreciate it.” In my conversation with Andrea, she agreed that Mark was an excellent provider. “But,” she complained, “he does nothing around the house to help me, and he never has time for me. What’s the use of having nice things if you don’t ever get to enjoy them together?”

We made the lists as specific as possible.

I told Andrea that if Mark happened to give her a compliment, she was not to give him a compliment at the same time, but rather, she should simply receive it and say, “Thank you for saying that.”

“It has improved some, Dr. Chapman. Mark is giving me verbal compliments as you suggested, and I guess he is sincere. But he’s still not spending any time with me. He is still so busy at work that we never have time together.”

The love language of one person is not necessarily the love language of another.

What would you most like to hear your spouse say to you?

Note: you are enough. Take your time, we’ll talk later when you’ve thought things through. Recognition. I think this and physical are my main ones.

 

IF YOUR SPOUSE’S LOVE LANGUAGE IS WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:

FAP: Actionable things at the end of each language.

Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

FAP: this is a big deal

Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Be specific: “I like how you reach out to people at church who don’t seem to have anyone to talk to.” Or: “You’re really keeping up with the job search. I know it’ll pay off.”

FAP: it means very little when it’s generic

 

 

 

LOVE LANGUAGE #2 Quality Time

I should have picked up on Andrea’s primary love language from the beginning. What was she saying on that spring night when I visited her and Mark in Little Rock?

FAP: Author has good stories as examples

By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together.

What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided attention.

It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking.

When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love.

“Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to be there with Andrea and the children?” I asked.

That’s why it always hurts so much when she criticizes me for spending time on the job. I am doing it for us. I wanted her to be a part of it, but she’s always so negative.”

You have given her so little time that her love tank is empty. She doesn’t feel secure in your love. Therefore, she has lashed out at what was taking your time in her mind—your job. She doesn’t really hate your job. She hates the fact that she feels so little love coming from you.

FAP: the same if there are hobbies, friendships or family, anything that takes time from the relationship when the love tank is empty.

“And, Mark, this does not have to diminish your vocational goals. It just means that when you get to the top, Andrea and the children will be with you.”

 

FOCUSED ATTENTION

is giving them focused attention, especially in this era of many distractions.

Some husbands and wives think they are spending time together when, in reality, they are only living in close proximity. They are in the same house at the same time, but they are not together.

 

QUALITY CONVERSATION

Quality conversation is quite different from the first love language. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.

It means I will focus on drawing you out, listening sympathetically to what you have to say. I will ask questions, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings, and desires.

“My wife would come home from work and tell me about the problems in her office. I would listen to her and then tell her what I thought she should do. I always gave her advice. I told her she had to confront the problem.”

“After three or four nights of that, I would get angry. I would tell her not to expect any sympathy from me if she wasn’t willing to take the advice I was giving her.

She could solve the problem if she would simply do what I told her.

She didn’t want advice; she just wanted to know that I understood.

But I never tried to understand. I was too busy giving advice.

We are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.

We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested.

FAP: Understand, not give advice. Support, not solutions.

Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn we must, if we want to communicate love.

If you are doing something you cannot turn from immediately, tell your spouse the truth. A positive approach might be, “I know you are trying to talk to me and I’m interested, but I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you will give me ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.”

“It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot.” That gives him the chance to clarify his feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what he is saying.

FAP: Also, Jordan Peterson technique for communication. Repeat what the other person said until he or she is satisfied with the paraphrased ideas.

Refuse to interrupt. Research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas.

FAP: A good way is to do say “say more”. It’s a habit Esther Perel does a lot in her podcast “Where should we Begin”

 

LEARNING TO TALK

“I wish my husband would talk. I never know what he’s thinking or feeling,” she is pleading for intimacy.

We may have grown up in homes where the expression of thoughts and feelings was not encouraged but squelched.

When he expressed anger, the parents responded with harsh and condemning words. He learned to hold his disappointment inside.

A wife says to her husband, “How did you feel about what Steve did?” And the husband responds, “I think he was wrong. He should have—” but he is not telling her his feelings. He is voicing his thoughts.

Perhaps he has reason to feel angry or disappointed, but he has lived so long in the world of thought that he does not acknowledge his feelings.

When he decides to learn the language of quality conversation, it will be like learning a foreign language.

If you need to learn the language of quality conversation, begin by noting the emotions you feel away from home. Carry a small notepad and keep it with you daily.

FAP: I should use a section of my journal to this daily. I will try 1 emotions, 2 intellectual/work/work outs and 3 a relationships section.

Using your notepad, communicate your emotions and the events briefly with your spouse as many days as possible.

And eventually you will feel comfortable discussing your emotions toward your spouse, the children, and events that occur within the home.

 

DEAD SEAS AND BABBLING BROOKS

I have observed two basic personality types.

The Dead Sea goes nowhere. It receives but it does not give. They have a large reservoir where they store that information, and they are perfectly happy not to talk.

FAP: this is me on emotional conversations.

On the other extreme is the “Babbling Brook.” For this personality, whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate and there are seldom sixty seconds between the two.

One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them.

 

QUALITY ACTIVITIES

Quality activities may include putting in a garden, visiting historic sites, birding, going to a concert, working out together, or having another couple over for homemade soup and bread.

The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together.

Some couples are together a lot more than others. If that’s the case for you, don’t try to make all your time together “quality time.” Designate specific times and places for planned togetherness.

Read the travel section in the Sunday paper together and dream out loud about places you’d like to go. Whether you actually go to these places or not, it’s fun to imagine together.

 

 

 

LOVE LANGUAGE #3 Receiving Gifts

A REMINDER OF LOVE

In every culture I studied, gift giving was a part of the love-marriage process.

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.”

FAP: This might be my third one. I spend a lot of time thinking about gifts for my close ones. I get sad if I receive gifts that are not as thoughtful. I don’t like to own many things, does this make it more or less important?

The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money.

Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than to others.

Where do you begin? Make a list of all the gifts your spouse has expressed excitement about receiving through the years.

If you have little or no knowledge about selecting the kinds of gifts on your list, recruit the help of family members who know your spouse.

Don’t wait for a special occasion.

THE BEST INVESTMENT If you are to become an effective gift giver, you may have to change your attitude about money.

If you are a saver, you will experience emotional resistance to the idea of spending money as an expression of love.

You are investing in your relationship and filling your spouse’s emotional love tank, and with a full love tank, he or she will likely reciprocate emotional love to you in a language you will understand.

 

THE GIFT OF SELF

Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

Your body becomes the symbol of your love. Remove the symbol, and the sense of love evaporates.

If the physical presence of your spouse is important to you, I urge you to verbalize that to your spouse. Don’t expect him to read your mind.

This was a man who never gave me a gift, ever. He never gave me a card for any occasion. He always said, ‘It’s a waste of money; you look at the card and throw it away.’

A handmade gift often becomes a family heirloom.

Keep a “Gift Idea Notebook.” Every time you hear your spouse say: “I really like that,” or “Oh, I would really like to have one of those!” write it down in your notebook.

FAP: good idea

Ask a friend or family member who knows your wife or husband well to help you.

Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself. Then offer to discuss together a chapter each week.

FAP: this would be so cool. One of my cousins once proposed this and I loved the idea. I did it with a couple of friends.

Choose a book on a topic in which you know your spouse has an interest: sex, football, gourmet cuisine, investing, childrearing, religion, history.

 

 

 

LOVE LANGUAGE #4 Acts of Service

By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her.

Such actions as cooking a meal, setting a table, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby’s diaper, picking up a prescription, keeping the car in operating condition, paying the bills, trimming the shrubs, walking the dog, and dealing with landlords and insurance companies are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy.

The empty curb was a clear message to me: ‘I was thinking of you. You were with me, even when you were gone.’”

As a young, aspiring counselor, I feared that I was getting in over my head, but having been trained to ask questions and listen, I continued.

“Dave, when you were dating, before you got married, did you go hunting or fishing every Saturday?” Dave used to help her with her homework after family dinner.

FAP: Asking what they use to do when they were dating helps to identify the language.

“When you were dating Dave, what convinced you that he really loved you? What made him different from other guys you had dated?” “It was the way he helped me with everything,”

“Well, I guess I expected it to be like my family. Dad worked, and Mom took care of things at the house. I never saw my dad do anything around the house. Since Mom stayed home, she did everything—cooking, cleaning, washing, and ironing.

Your behavior toward Mary was a radical change from your courtship. The one thing that had assured her of your love disappeared.”

“No one likes to be forced to do anything. In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”

They were doing things for each other—but not the most important things.

Before marriage, we are carried along by the force of the in-love obsession. After marriage, we revert to being the people we were before we “fell in love.” Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents; our own personality; our perceptions of love; our emotions, needs, and desires.

My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language.

Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love.

A wife may say to her husband after he gives her a criticism, “It sounds like that is extremely important to you. Could you explain why it is so crucial?” Criticism often needs clarification.

Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits.

Consider serving someone (or something) your spouse loves: an older relative, caring attentively for a pet, a favorite cause.

Ask your spouse to make a list of ten things he or she would like for you to do during the next month. Then ask your spouse to prioritize those.

If you have more money than time, hire someone to do the acts of service that neither of you wants to do, such as the yard work or a once-a-month deep cleaning of your home.

 

 

 

LOVE LANGUAGE #5 Physical Touch   

FAP: Father showed love through touch (cariñitos or back scratches) and gifts. Mother also showed love through back scratches, and acts of service.er

Babies who are held, stroked, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.

Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse.

FAP: cariñitos or back scratches too

Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.

If a back massage communicates love loudly to your spouse, then the time, money, and energy you spend in learning to be a good masseur or masseuse will be well invested.

If sexual intercourse is your mate’s primary dialect, reading about and discussing the art of sexual lovemaking will enhance your expression of love.

Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse.

FAP: hugs and kisses.

On unfaithfulness. Trauma, however, is compounded for the individual whose primary love language is physical touch. That for which he longs so deeply—love expressed by physical touch—is now being given to another.

CRISIS AND PHYSICAL TOUCH Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another.

I felt that she loved me, but after we got married, there were times that I reached out to her physically and … nothing. Maybe with her new job responsibilities, she was too tired. I don’t know, but I took it personally. I felt that she didn’t find me attractive. Then I decided I wouldn’t even try because I didn’t want to be rejected.

So I waited to see how long it would be before she’d initiate a kiss or a touch or sexual intercourse.

Running the hand through the hair, giving a back rub, holding hands, embracing, sexual intercourse—all of those and other “love touches” are the emotional lifeline of the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language.

When you shop for your spouse, look for things that will appeal to their tactile nature—a cashmere sweater, a plush throw pillow, soft slippers.

Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. Continue to other parts of the body as long as it brings pleasure to your spouse.

When family or friends are visiting, touch your spouse in their presence.

FAP: so important. Same as Words of Affirmation

It says, “Even with all these people in our house, I still see you.”

Couples separated by circumstances

A handwritten letter feels more tangible than an email. Some wives will wear an old shirt of their husband’s around the house

FAP: Dancing for me is another massive one.

 

 

 

Discovering Your Primary Love Language

The mistake common to many men: assuming that physical touch is their primary love language because they desire sexual intercourse so intensely.

When, in fact, his wife speaks his primary love language and his emotional love tank is full, and he speaks her primary love language and her emotional tank is full, the sexual aspect of their relationship will take care of itself.

I have suggested three ways to discover your own primary love language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

Go back to the experience of falling in love and ask yourself, “What did I like about my spouse in those days? What did he do or say that made me desire to be with him?”

Spend some time writing down what you think is your primary love language. Then list the other four in order of importance.

FAP: Words of Affirmation, Physical Contact, Gifts, Acts of Services and Quality Time.

Also write down what you think is the primary love language of your spouse.

Play the Tank Check game over the next month. Ask for a reading from 0 to 10 three evenings a week, and then take the suggestions of your spouse to raise that number.

I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love.

After some years of living with an empty love tank, she will likely “fall in love” with someone else, and the cycle will begin again.

I reminded him of the temporary nature of the “in-love” experience, that sooner or later, we always come down from the high to the real world.

Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day.

When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.

In the context of marriage, if we do not feel loved, our differences are magnified. We come to view each other as a threat to our happiness.

 

“WE’RE LIKE ROOMMATES”

Susan had twisted his arm by threats of leaving him. (I do not suggest this approach, but people do not always know my suggestions before they come to see me.)

She was crying for attention.

“What would be an ideal wife to you? If you could have a perfect wife, what would she be like?”

“Dr. Chapman, is it possible to love someone whom you hate?”

Karolyn and I had both been open to learning and growing. I knew that Ann’s husband was not.

According to her, his attitude was: “I don’t have any problems. You are the one with the problems.”

I have always admired Luke’s writing because he was a physician who gave attention to details and in the first century wrote an orderly account of the teachings and lifestyle of Jesus of Nazareth.

But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you…. Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.

I would take as my hypothesis that if Ann could learn her husband’s primary love language and speak it for a period of time so that his emotional need for love was met, eventually he would reciprocate and begin to express love to her.

“It seems to me that you are torn between your religious and moral beliefs that tell you it is wrong to get out of the marriage, and your emotional pain, which tells you that getting out is the only way to survive,” I said.

 

THE SIX-MONTH EXPERIMENT

“Generally speaking, if we are kind and loving toward people, they will tend to be kind and loving toward us. That does not mean that we can make a person kind by being kind to him.

“I have found it hard to be sexually responsive to him when he ignores me all the time. I have felt used rather than loved in our sexual encounters. He acts as though I am totally unimportant all the rest of the time, and then he wants to jump in bed and use my body.”

“Usually if a wife feels loved by her husband, she will desire sexual intimacy. If she does not, she will likely feel used in the sexual context.

FAP: makes me think of something I hate. Being ignored but given affection and attention when the other person wants something, help, job, discount, money, favor, etc. Do I have this in shadow? Are these my things?

I dream of a day when children can grow up in homes filled with love and security, where children’s developing energies can be channeled to learning and serving rather than seeking the love they did not receive at home.

Your complaints reveal your inner desires.

There’s something about being held in the midst of our grief that communicates that we’re loved.

If children feel loved by their parents, they will grow up normally. But if their love tanks are empty, they will grow up with many internal struggles. During the teenage years they’ll likely go looking for love, often in the wrong places.

Research indicates that the couples who are most likely to survive sexual infidelity are those couples who receive both individual counseling and marriage counseling.

“I realize that my love language is Physical Touch, but my mother never hugged me. In fact, the first hug I ever remember getting from my mother was the day I left for prison. But I realize that she spoke Acts of Service very strongly. She worked hard to keep us in food and clothes and to provide a place to live.”